Funny Stuff
By: Matt Hyson
Alright, it’s time for something funny. We’ve all had a rough week and sometimes laughter is the best medicine. I asked for some topics from the crew on the message board about what they wanted to read about. Majik asked about some funny road stories, the ones that make your jaw ache. Life on the road with pro wrestlers is filled with ribs and pranks and just crazy scenes that make for great stories. I’ve written of the Brock Lesnar rib in the past (I think it was on the WWE website, I don’t remember). I’ll give a quick re-cap of that one and tell you two others after that. So sorry if you’ve read the first one before, I’ll keep it brief.
Before they put Brock on TV, he would travel the circuit with us wrestling on the un-televised house shows. I’m a guy that had to work with a lot of green guys, the match is pretty simple and I can help them learn a little bit. So I had a number of matches with Brock during this period. Mr. Perfect was a big ribber. I was working the opening match with Brock that night. Before the match Perfect pulled me aside and told me to play this prank. He told me to do a “spot” with Brock. Brock was to throw me in the ropes, drop down, leap-frog, and power-slam me. Unknown to Brock, when he dropped down, I was to pounce on him. All the boys knew this was going to happen, and a few minutes before the match everyone was at the curtain waiting to get a look. So we started the match, Brock started the spot and on the drop down I jumped on his back and started bitch-slapping his head. Brock went completely nuts and started chasing me out of the ring, around the ring, through the ring until he completely blew up. The only thing that saved me was he couldn’t catch me. Thank god I can slip in and out of the ring faster than Brock; on a straight run he would have had me in a second. Plus, by the second circle he realized he’d been had and was laughing pretty hard. Of course, someone had a sign that said, “Brock is my Bitch!” I grabbed the sign and danced around the ring with it, probably not to smart. Naturally, Brock destroyed me in about four seconds when he got his hands on me. Everyone was still on the floor laughing when I got back. Perfect had the second match and actually missed his ring music because he couldn’t stop laughing.
Here’s one
I saw mentioned somewhere on the internet. Golddust
is one of the funniest guys you will ever meet.
His Turret’s Syndrome gimmick kept me laughing all day long. He would just break out with it anywhere we
went: restaurants, bars, airports. He’d be talking normally to a waitress and
then in mid-sentence bark out the craziest sounds, words. I can’t begin to write how it sounds, but if
you’ve seen the promos he used to do than you know. It was so funny they had to put it on
TV. Even without the Turrets Syndrome,
he was a funny guy. Once we were
overseas a few years ago, I think it was
The bus was on the street in front of our hotel and also right next to a subway staircase. A constant stream of “civilians” walked past. Onboard the bus they provided us with sparkling water (who drinks sparkling water?) and peanuts. Goldy looked at me and said, “Watch this.” He filled his mouth with peanuts and took a gulp of the sparkling water, chewed it up a little and walked to the door of the bus. He peeked to the street and waited until several respectable looking elderly citizens were close to the door. Goldy then grabbed his stomach and staggered off the bus directly in front of these people and proceeded to “vomit” all the peanuts and water. The people freaked and jumped out of the way, trying not to step on the puke. The boys on the bus roared as these poor, terrified Germans thought Goldy was going to puke right on them.
Since we had a half hour to kill, and every couple of minutes a couple more wrestlers who hadn’t seen the prank boarded, Goldy did the stunt over and over. He’d jump off and puke in front of men, women, children. The reactions were just hilarious as they ranged from disgust to concern, some kids just laughed at him. It went on and on for the half hour, and each time got funnier than the last. That one hurt my jaws.
My last funny moment is a classic. Tommy Dreamer and Bubba have a phat relationship. That’s phat with a ph because fat with an f is a taboo word. They constantly rib each other’s phatness. The ribs get pretty funny as both have sharp wits. Bubba’s line of calling Tommy a land-loving manatee always gets me. Back in ECW Tommy would eat anything to amuse the boys. At late-night dinners Tommy would do the disappearing butter trick. He’d secretly put a wad of butter on his tongue, then come to the table, sit. He’d open another wad of butter, wait until he had our attention, slam the butter in his ear and then spit out the butter. The affect was the butter coming through his ear out his mouth. Not only would he be left with a plug of butter in his ear, he’d swallow the butter in his mouth. Funny, but gross.
The best scene happened in ECW and keep in mind that Bubba was about 100lbs heavier than he is now. ECW very seldom had catering at events. The boys were on their own to feed themselves. However, at the venues Bubba booked (he helped promote behind the scenes) he would work in some free food for the boys. Since the guys weren’t making a ton of money, free food was rare and taken advantage of. When the platters of chicken, pasta, meatballs and salad came out the boys gorged themselves. They’d eat like it was the last meal they’d see for the winter. Anyways, after everyone went through the line the buffet was pretty empty. I was sitting with Tommy when Bubba sat down with us. Tommy had just scooped up the last couple of meatballs and was stuffing them down. Tommy looked at Bubba and warned him not to steal any of his meatballs. Bubba waited until Tommy had only one left. He snuck his fork over the table and poked the meatball and raised it to his mouth. The look on Tommy’s face was fury. He firmly (and kind of frighteningly) told Bubba not to do it. Bubba paused, got a look on his face, and smugly stuck the thing in his mouth. The very second Bubba bit down on the meatball his chair just exploded and Bubba took a bump right on his ass in the middle of the cafeteria. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Tommy had tears coming down his face and everyone was just rolling. Bubba was laughing his ass off and took a few minutes to get off the floor. Justice was served and we all have a good story.
So there are a few examples of some of the funny stuff. I hope someone got a laugh out of them. And don’t tell Bubba I wrote that story, he’s very intimidating.